loving someone without loving em

As is been sitting here thinking through my thoughts and all these other things on my mind. I remember what matt had said. (Matt is a pastor at the vineyard church over in the student union. On the middle school side) what he had said to us and I happened to be in there at the time is that “ if you really love someone or like the person that you wanna date, well don’t date them, be friends with them and keep it that way. Because once you date that person the friendship that you had before is no longer there, it will never be the same as before.
I’m sure he can explain it better.


When he had said, it really caught my attention. But as I began digging deeper and thinking more into what he had said I understood what he was saying and meaning for it to say and it don’t sound so crazy as u seem it does. But then it’s like I don’t want it to be true…..
I had a deep talk with one of my good friends, we been through a lot together.
What she had said to me that stuck on my mind is (how are you suppose to find your soul mate, if you can’t love some?) I didn’t really know what to tell her after she had asked me that. I felt bad and lost at the same time. Weird combination to have at the same time….....

Life Is Like A Maze

Hey! My name is Misty Engel. I’m 17 years old in an English class right now. We are writing an essay on different topics we get to choose from. I’ve decided to write about my past of my childhood, the hard things that i've faced in life and how close death had come for me.

At the age of 13 I would say that’s when everything had started happening. I remember well, I been getting more depressed as the days went by. I also was having thoughts that I don’t want to alive anymore and that I just want kill myself. Yes there are reasons too why i’ve been feeling that way.

I have experienced my step dad beating my mom quite some times. I was scared and couldn’t do anything but just stand their in fear with tears rolling down my face nonstop like a waterfall of some sort. I’m surprised they didn’t stop rolling down because I was crying my whole life. I wouldn’t have thought there wouldn’t be anymore left, but there was. They were still running down my face one after another. All I could see is a blurry picture of my mom lying there bloody from him beating her so much. I wanted to help her or do something, I couldn’t, I didn’t know how. I would always think it was my fault for everything bad that happened.
I kept this inside of me, letting it keep on building up after another because I never told anyone, their was no one that I could talk to…, or maybe there was, I was just embarrassed to say something. I was still a normal teenage kid. I had tons of friends; we went out to places and had fun. When it would be time for me to come home I would hate to walk in the house it’s like a nightmare.

Around age 15 I really never talked to anyone. Not even my family of friends. I kept to myself a lot and never wanted to talk to anyone. I suppose I carried that into my life still because people would say that i'm shy around others. (Really)? Is that what you think? I say, that you can’t judge a book by its cover. So why say that i’m shy just because I seem or look like I am.
I just have nothing left to say anymore, that’s all.

I been getting more, and more depressed in life and hating everyone, even myself. It was like I was in this small box suffocating to death. I knew that one day would come and it has. I was 15 at the time. With all the emotions, anger from my past that kept on building up, I got mad one night and I run away. I ended up coming back the next day. The next time I knew if I ended up leaving again it would be different.
And so it happened, I left again and this time I wanted to be dead for good. Anything to get off this so called earth. Three of my friends were following me. Elizabeth, she was on the phone the whole time talking to her brothers’ wife with fear in her tone of voice giving her directions to where I am and surly they picked up my mom.
Stephanie and her brother roger were following me also. (To make long story short)… I got on top of this building, didn’t know what type of building it was because it was dark at the time. My heart was beating so fast like a racehorse. I’m just standing on the edge looking down at the ground trying to focus on the spot where I was going to land. My mind was going crazy. At the moment of me standing on the edge all I could think about is everything bad that had happened to me and that i’ve done to others, and also how much better it would be without me being alive. All I could hear is the wind blowing quietly, my heart pumping smoothly fast. I tuned out Elizabeth, Stephanie, and roger as they were yelling in fear. As I began to take a deep breath and slowly bend my legs getting ready to jump, roger came out of know where just as I was forming to jump he came behind me and pulled the back of my shirt, yanked me back towards him, making me trip over my feet falling on the ground of the roof with my back landing with major impact. I was laying there as if I was dead. I took a deep breath and just looked silently. After all the fear in moments that happened that night, I had nothing to say, not even to myself.

Later I began starting to cut myself at the late age 16 onto age 17. I would cut myself for quite a while. Its like once you start its hard to quit, related to smoking I guess you can say. I would try to find anything that is sharp enough to tear into my skin. I got to the point that I didn’t care what I used or where it came from, as long as I could cut my skin to where blood comes running out. When I would cut, that’s what my main focus would be on, it would take my attention off everything else. I broke one of my CDs and used pieces with the sharpest points that I could find. I broke the glass of my picture frame and used pieces of the glass. I also broke a nail polish bottle and used pieces of that, with not caring that their is polish on the glass that’s going into my skin as I began to push it into my arm. Cutting was my relief to anger. When I got done, there would be a bloody tissue on my desk along with blood running down my arm. I would just sit their looking as the blood ran slowly down my arm watching it dry. I felt I actually accomplished something. The only thing I accomplished it letting my anger get the better of me.

Until one day I went back to that night when death came my way I thought of how stupid I was and that I was so close of being dead that night. I had been thinking back to that situation a lot. I finally realized that I don’t need this in my life and all i’m doing is living a story. So I told myself that its time to change.
Then BAMM….. It hit me. There I was, on the ground kneeling down crying my heart out. Asking for help, anything to not live this kind of life anymore. Asking for forgiveness in a tone as if someone is holding a gun to my face, I found someone special in my life, and his name is God.

My name is Misty Engel,
I’m now a new person. I love life; I would like to live everyday of it. I found my purpose here on earth or should I say I found my purpose in life. I’ve been accomplishing it. I now help other teens that lived like me and need a friend to talk to, someone who understands and had experienced these things. I’m proud to help others change their life around and see a smile appear on there face again.

I had something good happen in my life. I’ve also experienced a lot more things I did not mention. I guess what i’m trying to say here is that life is like a maze, your going to run into walls, and dead ends through out your life. No one ever said it’s going to be easy. The only way to get to the finish line is not to give up and keep on moving

My only sister

My only sister





Everything was going good that day until I walked in the door from school and that’s when it happened. I heard the news. It’s all happening now. All the pain raised up form me once again. It happened so fast I couldn’t believe it. So all we could do is wait for them to get home and tell them the news. (When they got off the bus from school I stood there watching them walking up the driveway about to enter there way in the house) When they did there were already people sitting around the table waiting. So we sat them down and I pulled up a stool to sit, trying my hardest not to cry (As I am right now typing this) we all sat down at the kitchen table and told them. That was a horrible feeling inside me. Well as my foster mom told her she started crying nonstop.
I couldn’t hold it in any longer so I began crying. (Tears falling down my dry face). As my cheeks began getting moist it was now time for them to officially leave. She came over to me and gave me a hug and that’s when even more tears started draining out.

As they was bout to get in the car we all gave each other another hug and said our good byes. She got in the car with her little brother (mark), she was still crying. I don’t think mark knew what was happening. Well as the car was leaving we was waving good bye. Then I started to think about the times I remember having with her, when we would go to bed she would have the door open and the bathroom light on every single night and would start talking to me all night long( would not let me get any sleep what so ever). Then I would always yell at her to keep the light off because I can’t sleep with lights on but when I would wake up in the middle of the night the light would be on, so I would go turn them off.
But get this, that night the day they had left it was different. There was no one to keep me up while I was trying to sleep, no talking, no nothing. It was so quite. I thought it was going to be peaceful and I could actually get some sleep but I though wrong, it was way different. I turned the hall light on and actually kept the door open. I was crying all night. (could not sleep worth nothing)

I never wanted to share a room with her. She would get me so mad we argued all the time. She was always touching my stuff. I wanted her to leave so bad. And now that she is gone and I know never coming back I cry every time I go into that room. I miss her so much. Every time I think about her, tears would be draining out my eyes. Who knows when the next time ill see her.




She was like my sister. My only sister that I never had.

GAME OVER!!

Game Over

You was the one I fell for,

You was the one in my heart,

You was my one and only,

You was the joy of my life,

You was my love.

Until that day had came

I seen the true you hiding

Hiding from all those layers of lies

You fooled me once, but never again

As long as I may live

After all those times I've looked into those eyes of yours

Deep down in them I never seen it coming

You must be pretty good at this game

To fool someone like me

To walk right into my heart

And play me like a game

Well lucky for you,

You may win all those other games

But this games you just played

Just got done playing you!

Sorry, but you just lost

GAME OVER!!!!