Yes this is the real life I onced lived

I'm going to try to tell you some things about me and what all had happened to me in my past. I'll be skipping some years in my life just to get to the main point. I'm thinking this might be a little long depending on if I give details in the story. Now just letting you know right now a lot of the things I'm going to tell you no one knows. And the things I'm going to say is pretty sad and depressing. I feel like I have to let this out of my system so that's why I'm going to tell you this. Well here goes nothing.


My mane is Misty Michelle Engel; I was born on June 16th 1991. Right now I am 17 years old. I remember my mom telling me that when I was born these two lady's (they were bisexual) they wanted to adopted me. I thought that was funny... I wonder if they did happen to adopted me what I would turn out like. ...
Oh yeah and I suppose I was a baby when this happened to me. I was living with my mom at the time. I was in this walker thingy and I would just zoom around in the house in it going fast and one day I was in it and fell down the steps. Yeah you would think it would be painful but my mom said I wasn't even really crying. I have a scar above my left eye from that but you really can't see it because it's like at the end of my eye brow, where there is a line going through my eye brow with no hair in that spot.
(Okay sorry I’m getting off subject)

When I was about 18 months old I got taken away from my mom and dad. That's because my dad is the drinking type, and into drugs, stealing. Let’s just say he does almost everything illegal. For my mom, my dad got her into doing drugs and who knows what else. I don’t know if my dad was in jail at the time when I got taken away but I went into a foster home. Me and my brother (Albert) The people we went to live with were Donna and Ralph. Ralph is known as Buzz. We were their first foster kids, so that was exciting to them. They have three sons. (Tony the oldest, Aaron the second oldest, and Adam the youngest) We stayed there for about two years and then went to another home. When I left from there all I can remember is the day I left. I got into the car looking out the window back at the family watching them looking back at me with tears draining down there faces. I really didn't know what was going on at the time because I was still little.
I believe my aunt Pam got us. Well what I remember living there is that she would stand me in corner standing for about an hour maybe over that. And put hot sauce in my mouth. But some how me and my brother got back in foster care of course. We were living with these sort of old couple. They split me and my brother up because he was too much I suppose. So I was living there with these people without my brother now.
Then later on in life I got moved to this other foster home with this older lady. I did not like it at all. The lady was weird but at some point in time I got out of there and my dad somehow got us back.

We lived in Kentucky. My dad was living with this lady named Pam... She was okay I guess but when I was going to school my dad and Pam did not help me with anything. So yeah of course I failed that year. I saw my dad doing drugs on the table in the living room. And yes at this point and time I knew what it is. I also remember when my dad would make me call Pam, mom. I didn't like that at all.

Then somehow I ended up living with my mom again. My mom was dating or married at the time with this guy named Gary. He has three kid of his own. Gary and my mom got along pretty well but as the years went by they would scream and yell at each other like almost everyday. One day I got hit in the face with this glass candle is was pretty thick and BOY! Did it hurt like heck. My brother was the only one that cared. He ran up the stairs into my room after me to see if I was okay. I also had seen Gary choking my mom in the kitchen one day. He also punched her in the mouth and made her bleed. And all sorts of other stuff he did to my mom. He also hit me before. Because I was making some muffins and as they were baking in the oven it over flowed the top of the pan I guess you can say. I was on the phone with my mom at the time and she was telling me what to do. Then Gary came in and got mad I suppose so he slapped me across my head and after he did that I ran to the door that leads up to my room and stopped there then I yelled out to him saying that he isn't my dad and he can't hit me. After I said that I ran up the steps to my room and I guess he got mad because he came up to my room and started hitting me then left. When my mom and brother got home from Kroger’s my mom was yelling at Gary. I heard them arguing from my room up stairs and they were down stairs. My brother came up to my room to see if I was okay and asked what had happened. My brother and I are close but we have our times when we fight.

at some point when i was living with my dad I believe I was about 6 years old maybe. my dad yes he has touched me in places where a dad should not touch his daughter at. I was young at the time and i should of told someone. But I didn't......

When I started struggling in life and thought that everything bad had happens was my fault. I was 13, that's when my whole life went down the drain. I could no longer deal with it (life) the fighting and all the yelling. So I finally took a stand one night and left. (I ran away that night) I went to my pastor’s house and knocked on the door to speak to his sister, he said I would have to come in so I did. (His sister was living there for few months) so I went down stairs to Elizabeth's room. We talked about why I left home and all that stuff. We hugged, cried. After we got done talking we walked up the stairs to the living room where pastor Joe and his wife Joanna was sitting down on the couch. He had called my mom and told her I was okay and just talked about whatever else they were talking about. They wanted to take me back home, I told them “NO I'm not going back home with my mom” then they said they will call her up to come pick me up, an as soon as they said that I got up an forced myself to the door and that's when Joanna and Joe got in front of me pushing me back so I couldn't leave. So I calmed down and sat back down on the couch. Joe got back on the phone with my mom talking to her and every time he would hand me the phone so that I could talk to my mom I would push it away. So I ended up spending the night there. In the morning we made a plan so I went back home and when I got home Donna came to pick me up. (We kept in touch over the years) so I stayed over her house for a week or two. Then later on a few months later I have ran away again when I was at this youth group get together night thing. I left and my best friend Stephanie was with me the whole time, along with her brother roger and Elizabeth right behinds us following me. It was getting dark as the minutes went by. I went into this alley area while I ran back there Stephanie and them lost me. I was hiding behind a bush; it was pitch dark back there. Stephanie went back there calling my name. I didn’t want to say anything but as she started leaving I called her name and so she came back. We walked up the alley way and it lead us to this top of this building. And after a little while Elizabeth and Roger caught up to us. As I was walking to the edge of the building I was just about to jump off the edge……until Roger took his hand and grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me on the ground of the roof. I’m just laying there thinking while my back is in pain at the time. Then I got up an left back down to the street and I seen this building, the garage I guess it was well as I was just about to walk into it when Joanna pulled up in her car with my mom in it. She got out and yelled at me telling that I better not enter that building and surprisingly I listened to her and stopped myself from entering the building. She walked in a rushing way towards me I knew she was extremely mad an I didn’t even want to listen to her preaching to me. Well she grabbed my arm tight and most likely yanked me into the car. An preached to me the whole way home. Then we got home and boy did I hate it. I couldn’t go outside at all for a while she didn’t even want to going to school.

A year or two went by and I became even more depressed as the days went by. We got kicked out of our apt. because my stupid landlord lady. She was talking about my mom and so my mom called her up and all that and cursed her out. So we went to live in this store front that my mom was trying to start up which I knew it would never happen. Well me and my mom was living there, my brother left and Gary was living with his mom. Well it was hard. I was sleeping on a hard, cold tile floor every night for about quite a few months. I always had a metal bat close by and a pocket knife because at night a lot of people would be out in front and it’s just not a safe neighborhood at all. Get this I could not take any baths. There was no bath tub or shower but their was a big sink in a way. I had to wash my body like that with a wash cloth and you know the rest so yeah that sucked…. It was getting close to school getting out an when school finally let out for the summer I called Donna up so I can go over there for the summer like I do every other summer. When I finally got there a few days later she had asked me would I ever want to go back in foster care, and the situation I was living in at the time heck yes I wanted to live in foster care again. I ended up telling Donna how we were living and so she told the agency and so now I’m in foster care it took a little while for me to get in but yeah as I’m saying now I am in foster care at this moment. That still didn’t make me un depressed. When I started my new school and also going into high school being a freshman yeah that’s when I got even more depressed. I was failing all my classes besides the electives but the classes I need to pass I had F’s in them almost all 4 quarters. I started cutting myself really bad. And I tried to cut my vain in my arm deep enough for me to pass out but I guess it didn’t happen. But I still have scars all over my arm from that. I wrote this poem in school and my teacher read it and so after school they said that my social worker is going to pick me up after school to go to a meeting an I believed them. But that's not really the truth, she came to pick me up and when I got in the car and she started driving she told me that she is taking me to the hospital. And I was like o man this can’t be happening to me. So we got to the hospital and we was there for a while waiting and all this stupid stuff. But I went in there on a Friday and came out on a Tuesday. It’s was scary, when I first stayed their I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was at home in bed and when I opened up my eyes and seen that big door and this small room I was in my mood got really sad that fast and I was crying non stop. The first night was horrible. I don’t ever want to go back there again.
When I got out I complety changed not just because I didn’t want to go back there but god was telling me something. I found out the hard way that I really have a purpose in life. As I became closer to god I changed so much I been a much happier person in the inside an outside. I now help other teens with their problems and courage them to get back up and not go down the path that been down. It’s not a nice place trust me.

I’m proud of myself for how far I came in life and I thank for the people that encouraged me in life. And the people from the vineyard church really helped. I thank you guys so much.

Why do friends do this? why are they even called friends?

What is it?

why did you bring me this far?

What did you plan on me doing here?

What is my purpose doing here?

Who am I supposed to help out here?

Why are you taking me towards this path?

What joy will I bring. No one needs me anymore. Well that's what I feel like. I know it's not true but that's how I feel an this is why...... My WAS best friend is now not. She started hanging with these other kids and most likely totally forgot about me. She doesn't even notice yet an that's pretty sad I would say OR it's just that she has noticed and just don't even give a crap. Well I don't know and I really don't wanna know. I don't get how she can forget about someone like that.... not just someone..."ME" her friend.

After all the times she asks me for help with her problems I help her, I don't turn her down like she does me. I guess that shows You who's the better person is I suppose. But when I ask her for help or tell her why I'm feeling sad and she changes to another subject an talks about whatever else. But yeah I still help her when she asks. I never let anyone down if they need help.

So yeah I guess I will find that special friend someday in life.

Fall weekend "08"

Fall Weekend was so awesome. I experienced so much stuff this weekend. I heard God talk to me a couple of times. It was an awesome time.

When we had this session in our cabins. Me and this girl was sitting across from each other just sitting there waiting to here God speak to one of us about each other and God told me that she is walking alone trying to find something. And so I told her that and the first thing she said was WOW!.....that's spooky because that's so true. She said she is trying to find something but she can't find it. So yeah I thought that was pretty cool. Then what caught my attention was when she said God gave her an image of me in this really pretty bright blue dress and I'm not the type that would wear a dress. (lol). So yeah and then she asked me do I have pain in my leg. And I told her yes, it's my right knee I messed it up a couple years ago in basketball an she was like wow! because in her right knee she felt this sharp pain, and it was God telling her that. So then she prayed for my knee to get better. And what was amazing is that after she got done praying for my knee I felt this strong pinch sorta thing in my knee. That moment was pretty awesome for me I enjoyed every bit of it. I'm so glad that I got to experience something like that.

Also we had this mediation thing we did where we sat an talked to god an just listen to him talk back to us. And he did. Our worship leader "Zak Stegman" well God told me that there is something in his life that's bothering him an he needs to get it out an tell someone and just to be free. So I texted him that an he never texted back, so yeah I thought he was annoying me, I was feeling a little salty there (lol) but later that night I was sitting in the main place where we worship at, just sitting down in this chair an he came up to me pulled another chair beside by me an said hey Misty I got your text, so whats happening. So I told him what God told me and he said that yeah he can relate to that an it's defiantly god speaking to me. So yeah That was also an amazing moment that happened at Fall Weekend. I had a blast.

God is really working in my life. I can see it. So can other people.

You may think you know me!!!!

People think they know me by how I look. People think they know me just by being around me. People think they know me just by being my friend.

Honestly... Do you really think you know me?

Just by being around around me, or just talking to me, or even living across the street from me. NO.. I don't think so, you may even have some pieces of the puzzle but not all of the pieces not enough to know me.

From what you know about my past, Don't feel sorry for me. I don't need it.

And what damage I've done to myself that was in the past, thats all you remember me by? You remember me as someone stupid for doing that to myself.

How I dress, you think of me as a punk, emo? who I hang with is who you think I become.

If thats all you think of me, don't bother to talk to me or even have a thought of me because I don't need someone like you in my life.

Just by what you see on me, the scars, my clothing style, and what ever else their is, please don't judge me from that. If you do then your not thinking of me. The girl who you think your thinking of has a new life ahead of her. I complety changed my life around. I'm living a new life style now. And I'm now helping out teens that were in the same situation that I was once in. I'm helping them to break through that chain that is bringing them down an getting them up on their feet again to open that door that leads to a new life.

So for the people that thought they know me .....

THINK AGAIN!!!!